warriorsfanficfandomcom-20200213-history
Talk:The Problem/@comment-25630395-20160223012104
SPOILERS Great job, Sea! I really enjoyed this episode, and it shows potential c: Okay, first off, what I liked. You had good grammar. I know, I know, but... grammar. If you have bad grammar, the whole meaning of the story is lost. However, I highly suggest not ending dialogue with a '.' because the capital letter afterwards seems awkward. I'm being nitpicky here, but just a suggestion c: The description at the beginning was really clear. I could picture that pool and what the flames looked like around it. Angel's vision and movement of the flames was clear, too. My favourite line was probably: "Same thing as all the other times, Angel." Gabriel says, cracking a smile. "Absolutely nothing." I just love that line. It's so good at revealing Angel's relationship with this cat, and their history. Plus it's funny, and funny is good.I also think you did a good job of setting us up. You wove in the details very carefully and subtly, so it wasn't like HEY HERE'S THE DESCRIPTION and now ON WITH THE STORY. It was smooth and flowed well. Your introduction of Angel was fluent, and I liked how we saw her with powers in the beginning. That was especially effective, I thought, because we didn't waste time beating around the bush. Also, knowing powers is a good way to know the character, too. Chartreuse seems like a jerk, what with her "speak only when i tell you" rule. Me no likey :c (also, that immortal vs. mortal thing is cool). Now, improving stuff. In the beginning, Angel's connection to the fire was too sudden. You described it as: " I was the fire." As a reader, that leaves me confused. It needed a transition, something with Angel 'feeling' the fire, and then 'becoming' it. I was a bit puzzled on that whole Dwelling and Home thing. The terms kind of blended together in my head, and I'm still a bit confused. You have really clear descriptions, and adding stronger adjectives would improve them even more. For example, the second to last paragraph about the tornado. Instead of 'blows', you could have something to describe the ferocity of the storm, like 'whistled' or 'howled'. Instead of 'fast', you could have another, stronger word. I felt your characters needed to be fleshed out a bit more. I know it's the first episode, but Angel seemed a bit dry. It's important that we bond and get to know the main character, so in the next few episode, you can try and chisel her out more. Giving her a unique perspective and viewing on events will help, too. Throwing in some more emotion will enhance your characterization; certain parts began to feel dry. In addition, I felt the villain was introduced too quickly. We didn't feel Night as a villain... it was just like 'bam, here's a villain'. Maybe showing more of why/how she's bad in the future...? Also, why is Angel being nicknamed Angela, and why is Night being nicknamed Nyx? other than that, great job and cliffy! I am excited for more c: END SPOILERS